The Sad Life of a Dracula (as told through the depiction of awful Halloween masks). Part 1.

Welcome back.

I have this spot in my heart, perhaps a cavern or cre-VASS on the left hemisphere, that is essentially used solely for my love of Dracula.  I can confirm this from X-rays.  Heck, even my doctor himself said that I was in dire need of a cure for my Drac-Scratch fever.  3 courses of leeches and a lime in a coconut later, I was still not cured.

It is not the classic or modern Dracula that I love however, it's rather the grey area Dracula.  The non-descript European Dracula that has questionable powers outside of the popular cannon and wears eye make-up, or has lightning bolt streaks in his hair.  

The cereal box Dracula.  The one pictured on the front of his own costume smock with plastic mask.

Dear friends, this Dracula was never played by an actor outside of the box photo.

He is a ghoulish purveyor of all things spooky.  

I've taken it upon myself to engage deeply the powers of bootleg Dracula.  Today we'll be looking at the myriad Halloween representations of said beast.

Grab someone you love and/or a drink.

Say hello to Sumo Dracula.

Though clearly a Lugosi riff, this particular visage of the dark prince lends one a conclusion of old Drac letting himself go.  Also, he's Asian.

Judging by the crooked nose and wide neck, our Vampire lord has been feasting on oil tankers and/or massive fat horses between bar brawls.

With his obvious weight problem, Dracula is on borrowed time.  Stake and sunlight be damned, he might get wedged in a coffin.

Estimated retail price: $6.99

Estimated child disappointment: Moderate/high

Fright Factor: depends on how chilling                                                                                                      Pacific rim fatties are to the person in question.  

The "I can't be bothered to find a better mask" Dracula.

I'm not really sure where this design comes from, but it's clearly a rush job.  He's got a partial lazy eye, or it might be the Lugosi stare gone horribly wrong.  There appears to be a gloss coat on the top of the eyelids and teeth, making me wonder if his upper eyes are solid enamel.

The hair piece is obviously a reclaimed sock puppet hanging off-centre like a pinata strung in the dark.

The charm lies within the person wearing it, the eyes are wistful.  Bless them.

If you're looking for a solid monster-Drac mask, you could do worse, however it would be by making a scary face and using balled up pieces of white bread and glue.

Estimated Value: $3.98 at Target

Estimated child disappointment: Low as it does seem to have some sort of big teeth thing going on. Although if your kid isn't partially blind or poor, this might ruin the evening.

Fright Factor: Highly improbable.  Unless you had a gun this isn't scaring anyone.

                                                               

The blatant Udo Kier Dracula

I can't possibly imagine this being anything but an Udo Kier mask.  The buggy blue eyes and odd latex Germanic posturing (I have no idea what that means) confirm it.

Also, kudos for managing to overlook an entire eye during the painting process.  Not that it really matters as he's staring off-kilter like a Panther Chameleon.

Estimated Value: $5.00 but he'll take $3.00.

Estimated child disappointment: Extremely high, it's a mask of a German actor pretending to be Dracula in a movie not a single child wants to know about.

Fright Factor:  it's Udo Kier, that's terrifying.

The "I'm pretty sure that latex will give me a rash" Dracula.

Although not a horrible job, you can immediately acknowledge this thing as a product of China. But not the good China, the bad one.  The one that makes all the recalled shit that causes liver failure and chronic blood farting.

He has, however, all of the ingredients which made the 70's great.  Inaccurate skin tone, yes. Odd mole, yes.  Nappy hair, yes.

It is, in a sense, the perfect shitty Dracula mask.  I'd say so officially, but the other side could very well be a cyborg and/or Hunchback.  Why did I put a capital "H" there you ask?  Only the Lord can say for sure.

Estimated Value: $2.00 at a close out store in Fenlon Falls, Ont.

Estimated Child disappointment: If it's a hip kid, none.  If it's a kid who likes to bitch about hives, then very, very high.

The Frat Party Dracula.

I'm really not willing to confirm that this is Dracula in my heart, however Mr.Hyde never wore a saucy red cape.

Also, he has fangs.

Damnit.

Well, clearly this is a great find if you couldn't find sunglasses to fit over your existing Dracula mask, provided of course that you had any reason to do it whatsoever.

Very much a party animal (usually reserved for a Wolfman or Blob with party hat) old Drac likes to get down with his uglier than usual face in full effect.  At least he kept the bowtie.  This is a perfect choice for the fledgling rapist.

Estimated value: $9.00 at your local Gas station.

Estimated child disappointment: Probably low as kids like to  pretend they're cool, which is a bubble that needs bursting.

  Fright Factor: I picture someone's step-dad wearing this.     Judge as you will.

The Eugene Levy Dracula.

You have to wonder what the thought process is before these see distribution.  Was there a massive letter writing campaign urging Korea to increase the eyebrow density on future Dracula branded offerings?  I'd think there'd have to be.

A special treat on this is the questionable throat which is either a ripped out larynx or a bowtie made of red food colouring.

The mouth wounds are a nice touch as well.  As if he's been trying all day to swallow a tiny cat that doesn't want to be swallowed.

Estimated Value: $3.98 wherever unknown throat mangled Dracula masks are sold.

Estimated Child Disappointment level: Surprisingly low because of the boss devil cape.  Speaking of which...

The"probably a repainted Satan mask" Dracula

I can't even begin to conceive that this began its life as Dracula.  

the face is all squinchy and pathetic like the lame duck Satan's we've been seeing all these years.  

Blasted Christians.

The pointed ears and hair speak of a dancing Devil, clad in a glorious red satin onesy singing in melodramatic operas.

However, as George Hamiltonesque as our dirty faced Dark Lord is, it is without a doubt a Dracula now.  This is a terrible fucking mask.  I'm ashamed of it.

Estimated Value: Half a buck or less at a garage sale. A dime if you find the right family member.

Estimated Child Disappointment: You can give back all those father's day gifts now.

Fright Factor:  it's scary if you think that it's actually for sale.

The best is yet to come, stay tuned for Part 2: Electric Bugaloo.