The Sad Life of a Dracula (as told through the depiction of awful Halloween masks). Part 2.

It's very dreary outside today, much like I'd imagine a lazy Sunday in Transylvania to be.

You know, just sitting in the old casket, not bothering to shower and watching old tapes of Murder She Wrote on your VCR.

After a staggering reception, we're returning on this sad, dull afternoon to conclude our two-part epic of Dracula's dirty secret.

Onward and upward to greater glory.

The "Needlessly Glossy" Dracula

For those of you who just couldn't find that perfect mix of Vampires and donut glaze, look no further.  This confusing Al Lewis type decor is loaded with problematic design choices, not the least of which is the black asphalt top coat along his entire forehead. I suppose it's to mimic a shadowy visage, but it's dark outside at Halloween, so really where does that leave us?

Well, it leaves us staring directly at the fucking awful blood mouth which makes it look like his gums are inflamed after eating a bottle of Ketchup.

Oh, and he has massive Vulcan ears for no obvious reason.

Estimated Value: Like...a buck.

Estimated Child Disappointment level: Due to the sheer volume of facial cutting caused by this stiff bastard, no doubt rather steep.

FrightFactor: Zero.  Absolute zero, it's barely a mask aside from the legal definition.

The "Norris Monster in Full Drag" Dracula.

Imagine, if you would, the Norris creature from John Carpenter's "The Thing" decided that it fancied men quite more than a metamorphical creature of its ilk normally would.  And in deciding this, it finds itself invited to a halloween party with a potentially warm and viable male suitor expecting it.  What to wear?

This isn't so much a Dracula mask as it is a Monster in drag no matter how you slice it.

Virtually every single element of this is wrong.  The stringy fop hair to the bone white gums.

Kudos to the eyebrow staff for making such a bold choice, however.

If this is Dracula, then an old lady mask is also Dracula under the premise of calling it Dracula and having it bleed from the upper front teeth.  Actually this is as close to Dracula as a garden rake with googly eyes and medallion is.

It looks as if Dracula absorbs water in his face and just got out of the bathtub following a forty year session.  

Just amazing.

Estimated Value: Probably $1.99 at a Korean gorcery store.

Estimated Child Disappointment level: Can you really measure tears?

Fright Factor: If you threw this at a baby while on fire, you might blip the radar.

The "Angry Hugo Weaving" Dracula

Although not the worst Dracula in the world, there's something about the facial contures that make it look like Elrond turned Orc on me.  There's a lot to like about this one, save for the single glaring feature.

The mouth is not only entirely too large, but the bottom jaw looks like he unhinged it to eat a baby deer.  His lipliner encrusted maw just hangs there like a dangling street sign, precariously waived as you wait to see it drop off and break.

Sadly, this is the best of the lot.

Estimated Value: I'd think you could probably gouge $10 out of someone on this fucker.

Estimated Child Disappointment level: if they likes Elves, you're a hero.

If not, partial sadness extending through the night, partial mediocrity in the morning.

Before I show you the worst Dracula mask of all time, let's detour towards some of the hideous decorations we've gotten in the name of Vlad.

Nothing frightens people like a general look of malaise.



What could possibly be the practical useage of this ornament? The fibre optic lights change colour to show...um..Dracula's love of varying hues.

Also, the cord is like a foot long. Get ready to show off those new outlets to all the trick or treaters!




What the? This is CLEARLY Frankenstein. Why on earth have we retouched him to look like Dracula. Now he looks like Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. It's following that "cute decor" trend which is so very loathesome.




I actually own this one. You never really grasp the grandeur of a light-up Dracula until you see all 4 feet of it in a bathroom.




I think this is how Dracula would look if he was hosting a Japanese game show that makes you fart music for money.


And finally, without any further interruption, we find ourselves staring down the barrel of the worst Dracula mask of all time.


Please get yourself prepared.













POW!

Say hello to the "18th century French Rapist" Dracula.

Every square inch of this makes me want to kill myself.  

The sideburns which have never appeared on anyone but Blacula.  The beesting lipstick.  The randow skin tone paint under his eyes.

Personally, the Billy Ray Cyrus hair is an exceptional stand-out for me.

Also,I can't say I'm really getting where the mole application comes from, but the last entry had a similar addition, thusly we're left with the Scarlett Pimpernil beauty mark on his cheek.

Out of all of them, I just can't find a bloody thing that's Dracula here, yet it is.

Realize that someone sculpted this in clay before they cast the masks from it?  Lord almight, that would be a grand day in that factory.

'Wong, could you maybe ruin a few of these design drawings for us?"

The greatest aspect of course, is the photograph.  Some old guy made his wife bring out the camera and he stood in the yard with the sun just right, proclaiming his mastery of the darkness.

Truly inspired is a Dracula wearing a windbreaker.

Estimated Value:  It's either the best Dracula mask or the worst.  I'd range it from a nickle to a few thousand pesos.

Estimated Child Disappointment Value:  if you can find me a unit of measure that will encompass suicide and homicide, please show me.

Fright Factor: No.  Perhaps yes if you are blind and you mistake it for a leathery ass.

Thank you for joining me during this retrospective.  expect more in the coming days.

-K

The Sad Life of a Dracula (as told through the depiction of awful Halloween masks). Part 1.

Welcome back.

I have this spot in my heart, perhaps a cavern or cre-VASS on the left hemisphere, that is essentially used solely for my love of Dracula.  I can confirm this from X-rays.  Heck, even my doctor himself said that I was in dire need of a cure for my Drac-Scratch fever.  3 courses of leeches and a lime in a coconut later, I was still not cured.

It is not the classic or modern Dracula that I love however, it's rather the grey area Dracula.  The non-descript European Dracula that has questionable powers outside of the popular cannon and wears eye make-up, or has lightning bolt streaks in his hair.  

The cereal box Dracula.  The one pictured on the front of his own costume smock with plastic mask.

Dear friends, this Dracula was never played by an actor outside of the box photo.

He is a ghoulish purveyor of all things spooky.  

I've taken it upon myself to engage deeply the powers of bootleg Dracula.  Today we'll be looking at the myriad Halloween representations of said beast.

Grab someone you love and/or a drink.

Say hello to Sumo Dracula.

Though clearly a Lugosi riff, this particular visage of the dark prince lends one a conclusion of old Drac letting himself go.  Also, he's Asian.

Judging by the crooked nose and wide neck, our Vampire lord has been feasting on oil tankers and/or massive fat horses between bar brawls.

With his obvious weight problem, Dracula is on borrowed time.  Stake and sunlight be damned, he might get wedged in a coffin.

Estimated retail price: $6.99

Estimated child disappointment: Moderate/high

Fright Factor: depends on how chilling                                                                                                      Pacific rim fatties are to the person in question.  

The "I can't be bothered to find a better mask" Dracula.

I'm not really sure where this design comes from, but it's clearly a rush job.  He's got a partial lazy eye, or it might be the Lugosi stare gone horribly wrong.  There appears to be a gloss coat on the top of the eyelids and teeth, making me wonder if his upper eyes are solid enamel.

The hair piece is obviously a reclaimed sock puppet hanging off-centre like a pinata strung in the dark.

The charm lies within the person wearing it, the eyes are wistful.  Bless them.

If you're looking for a solid monster-Drac mask, you could do worse, however it would be by making a scary face and using balled up pieces of white bread and glue.

Estimated Value: $3.98 at Target

Estimated child disappointment: Low as it does seem to have some sort of big teeth thing going on. Although if your kid isn't partially blind or poor, this might ruin the evening.

Fright Factor: Highly improbable.  Unless you had a gun this isn't scaring anyone.

                                                               

The blatant Udo Kier Dracula

I can't possibly imagine this being anything but an Udo Kier mask.  The buggy blue eyes and odd latex Germanic posturing (I have no idea what that means) confirm it.

Also, kudos for managing to overlook an entire eye during the painting process.  Not that it really matters as he's staring off-kilter like a Panther Chameleon.

Estimated Value: $5.00 but he'll take $3.00.

Estimated child disappointment: Extremely high, it's a mask of a German actor pretending to be Dracula in a movie not a single child wants to know about.

Fright Factor:  it's Udo Kier, that's terrifying.

The "I'm pretty sure that latex will give me a rash" Dracula.

Although not a horrible job, you can immediately acknowledge this thing as a product of China. But not the good China, the bad one.  The one that makes all the recalled shit that causes liver failure and chronic blood farting.

He has, however, all of the ingredients which made the 70's great.  Inaccurate skin tone, yes. Odd mole, yes.  Nappy hair, yes.

It is, in a sense, the perfect shitty Dracula mask.  I'd say so officially, but the other side could very well be a cyborg and/or Hunchback.  Why did I put a capital "H" there you ask?  Only the Lord can say for sure.

Estimated Value: $2.00 at a close out store in Fenlon Falls, Ont.

Estimated Child disappointment: If it's a hip kid, none.  If it's a kid who likes to bitch about hives, then very, very high.

The Frat Party Dracula.

I'm really not willing to confirm that this is Dracula in my heart, however Mr.Hyde never wore a saucy red cape.

Also, he has fangs.

Damnit.

Well, clearly this is a great find if you couldn't find sunglasses to fit over your existing Dracula mask, provided of course that you had any reason to do it whatsoever.

Very much a party animal (usually reserved for a Wolfman or Blob with party hat) old Drac likes to get down with his uglier than usual face in full effect.  At least he kept the bowtie.  This is a perfect choice for the fledgling rapist.

Estimated value: $9.00 at your local Gas station.

Estimated child disappointment: Probably low as kids like to  pretend they're cool, which is a bubble that needs bursting.

  Fright Factor: I picture someone's step-dad wearing this.     Judge as you will.

The Eugene Levy Dracula.

You have to wonder what the thought process is before these see distribution.  Was there a massive letter writing campaign urging Korea to increase the eyebrow density on future Dracula branded offerings?  I'd think there'd have to be.

A special treat on this is the questionable throat which is either a ripped out larynx or a bowtie made of red food colouring.

The mouth wounds are a nice touch as well.  As if he's been trying all day to swallow a tiny cat that doesn't want to be swallowed.

Estimated Value: $3.98 wherever unknown throat mangled Dracula masks are sold.

Estimated Child Disappointment level: Surprisingly low because of the boss devil cape.  Speaking of which...

The"probably a repainted Satan mask" Dracula

I can't even begin to conceive that this began its life as Dracula.  

the face is all squinchy and pathetic like the lame duck Satan's we've been seeing all these years.  

Blasted Christians.

The pointed ears and hair speak of a dancing Devil, clad in a glorious red satin onesy singing in melodramatic operas.

However, as George Hamiltonesque as our dirty faced Dark Lord is, it is without a doubt a Dracula now.  This is a terrible fucking mask.  I'm ashamed of it.

Estimated Value: Half a buck or less at a garage sale. A dime if you find the right family member.

Estimated Child Disappointment: You can give back all those father's day gifts now.

Fright Factor:  it's scary if you think that it's actually for sale.

The best is yet to come, stay tuned for Part 2: Electric Bugaloo.

The Artsy and The Fartsy

A quick update on the print/book situation.

TheWreck Collection book is still available, however we're down to the last 20 or so.

The prints are availible as follows.

Frankenstein (five)

Bride of Frank (gone)

Rambo (two left)

Andre the Giant (gone)

Fulci Zombie (one left)

Army of Darkness (3 left)

I'll be bringing these with me to future cons should I have any left, however my etsy shop will be open on Halloween for your shopping pleasure.

the audio commentary disc was a mysterious disaster.  I had it uploaded for two months and not a single download or inquiry.  So, if you DO want to hear it, MSN me (kelltallica@hotmail.com) and I'll transfer it to you directly.  Want it on CD?  Just ask.

Now, what do I have planned?

Well, I've been working on a real, honest and for true feature online comic with a title pending.

(No, it's not the Spacist which sadly is being bumped again due to a publishing issue)

I can tell you that it will be out after Christmas and is basically a biker series full of awesome shit.  

Also, what will hopefully be a "magnum opus"is book 2.  Following the positive feedback (and bless you all for it) I'm going back to the drawing board and hammering out what I hope will be even better.

The details written in stone are as follows.

1) The title is "Born in a Black Fire".  

2) There will be a full on live gallery show in Toronto for it.

3) The book will be handbound and one of a kind on each edition.  

4) It will be more expensive.  Sorry.  But, it's going to be a real coffee table type deal.  if I can bind it in leather, I will.  The book itself will be a piece of art.

5) It will be the best thing I've ever done outside of my Wife. HA!

6) It will feature a graphic retelling of the Norse armageddonist myth of Ragnarok.  About 20 pages will be devoted to it.  These will be done with the same tools Wrightson used for Frankenstein.  

7) Lots of dead things and monsters.  

8) If you bought Wreck Collection, you get a sizeable discount.  I love you too, pookie.

                                  

the ongoing horror poster collection part 3.

I seem to have a lot of free time today, don't I?

Here's the last of what I have pictures of.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 advance

Now, you have to stand in awe at this poster, don't you?  This is one of the best posters ever, bar none.  The look on Leatherface's fa...er...face is perfect as he cuts down the...ok, really you can see what the hell he's doing, right?  I don't need to be poetic.  It's pure awesome.  The sad thing is that this was the awesome poster preceeding the worst poster in recent memory.  The horrid family photo of the cast that looks like a candid shot aside from leatherface cheering for himself.  even the photo quality is lousy making it seem like a blown-up postcard missing only the "wish you were here" underline.

Painful folks, painful.

Actually, let's do a little dissection here.

Here's seven things wrong with this poster.

1) It looks like a comedy.  Not that it wasn't, but come on.

2) Grandpa looks entirely too mobile.  He was unable to make any indication of life ten years before this, so why is he sitting there like he's preparing himself to be a genie?

3) Who posed the corpse in the front?  Did Chop-Top think it was a good idea to drag this thing in and make it ape antics for the moment?

4) Dad looks like he forgot how a camera works.  Why is he leaning in to the shot when there is clearly no reason? Also, did he just wake up?

5) Moseley is in it.

6) The colour palette consists of light biege, dark blue and washed out characters.  Well, they weren't really washed out yet, but give it a few years.

7) Where are these people?  It actually looks like a photo op.  "Ok Bill, sit there and...no, move your arm down.  Stiffen up damnit!  Christ, stop moving everyone, we want this to be as crisp and sterile as possible.  Wait, no.  You, Grandpa.  Cross your arms likeyou're modelling a designer watch.  BRILLIANT!

3) Leatherface (TCM 3)

It was an awesome idea.  The saw is Excalibur.  This is one of those post-boom horror films that hit the right note in hiring the right people to make the ad.  Obviously still shitting the shame out from part 2, this has that Heavy Metal look to it that could sell a soundtrack.  It feels like it's going to be a hard ride to take.  One of the last great theatrical one-sheets.

I take great exception to the tagline however.  I don't think that they were referring to this specific movie as controversial.  I'd think they were speaking of part 2, where they made a great movie suck and people debated it heavilly.

By tomorrow I meant...

right now.

So, here's a veritable crotchload of the U.S. stuff I currently have in a drawer that goes unloved.

1) Zombi 2, Zombie Flesh eaters, etc,etc.  

Fulci's most popular film has one of the most iconic images in all of posterdom.  The worm eyed Zombie.  This actor is actually doing the convention circuit right now signing his worm faced wares, so catch him before he fades back into obscurity.  My copy has bent corners, so I stole an image to make myself look like a big deal.  You really can't grasp how massive that face is on the poster until it's infront of you.  Oh, and the "red" colour is really more of an orange, so there you go.

2) Pieces.

If you can imagine, my fiance wanted this one.  I asked her what she'd want up in our apartment if she could have one single poster and she picked this thing.  It's not a nice poster at all, but it would be perfect for a 15 year old jerk who had a bedroom in the unfinished basement of his parents house.  He'd have a stepdad that he'd hate and in his spare time, which is between hating the world and staring at girls he'll never fuck, reads Fangoria for the pullout posters.  Assholes read Fangoria.

3) The Hills Have Eyes

Let me just say that the remake was a better film.  Now please write that down.  

I can't put my finger on what it is about the poster that makes it so iconic, but the orange hue and Michael Berryman's puss plead a good case.  It just has that 70's vibe all wrapped up in it.  The font choice is so wonderfully dated and authentic.  it's got this ugly charm that makes it impossible to ignore.  I can imagine that this struck a chord in theatres oh those many years ago.  Potentially my favourite poster.

4) The Thing

Man, if there were a way to explain how much I adore this film I'd surely have done it on television. Maybe during a New Years eve interview just to spice things up a bit amidst all the "are you having a good time?" questions.  This poster reminds me most of the early 80's Sci-fi/horror boom.  I recall seeing it in my youth and just retaining the image my entire life.  Drew Struzan (who was sort of played by Thomas Jane in The Mist) nails the mystery of the film, but not the horror.  However the simple figure shadowed with mystery(not darkness, but mystery) in the arctic says enough.  This was a gift from the same lady who wanted the Pieces poster and is invaluable to me because of how hard it was for her to get.

5) Conan the Barbarian

My God, a non-horror poster?  Yes, by Crom.  Much like the other posters here, it's a definitive image and most obviously takes me back to a time in the past where the master artists had a hand in promoting these films.  Look at that power.  

I loves me some Conan, sir.  

I'll continue this...keep watching.

 

Ah the fall cometh!  As does the Iceman according to popular opinion, however I'm not talking about him at the moment.  I have become inspired to do one of these scan blogs the kids seem so excited about, but I can qualify myself by doing it BEFORE 30, that way I can continue because of "popular demand".  You know, "Honey, I would look after the kids but this is a lot of work and I need to buy more posters."

So, after a vast and lenghty hiatus, let us away.

I've always had that collector bug thing.  Some call it the "obsessive personality".  Coming from someone who has drawn 100,000 pictures there may very well be some credence found in that assessment, however seeing as many other folk (and non-folk alike) find solice in the financial ruin of others, let's take a trip through all of the weird shit I seem to have ravenously needed at some point in my life.

Japanese Horror Posters!

1) the Incredible Melting Man.

Here's a great place to start because this poster is the hardest for me to justify owning at all.  Firstly, I've never seen this movie.  I have no idea who is in it, who directed it, or what it's about aside from giant melting faces.  But the image is so great I deemed it necessary to buy the fucking thing.  So, just look at it.

2) The Evil Dead

You have to admit, trash is far better than class when it comes to advertising a horror film.  the original US 1-sheet (27x41.5"ish) had the woman reaching to the sky in the graveyard, which is a lovely image.  But this has a she-demon screaming at you with neon blood drip and clipart images of Ash.  I think you'd look at this poster before you'd notice your hat was on fire, personally.

As a side note, the typical Japanese poster is 20"x28.5", also known as a "B2".  originals are printed on various paper stocks, so knowing you've got an original might sound difficult, but the simple trick is to smell it.  Does it smell like your Grandpappy's attic?  It's real.

3) Cannibal Holocaust

I think I'll buy any poster that has a prefix before "holocaust". But really, this has got to be one of the most mind blowing posters you've ever seen.  It has a dead naked woman with a pole jammed up her ass and cannibals eating away right next to her.  Imagine being in Japan back then and trying to explain this to your kid.  It's about as hard as explaining it to my parents when they saw it.  Also, if you want to earn some sort of useless stret cred, this is likely the height of obscurity.  It's not even a native land poster, it's from Japan.  Now put on your ascot and strut you gorgeous bastard!

4) If you didn't believe me, here's the poster for ZOMBIE holocaust.

I really, really love this poster.  Probably bordering on sexual tension, we both sit there alone waiting for the other to make a move.  Look at this thing!  It's like a Sears photostudio glamour shot of Zombies.  The frontal focus Zombie amuses me.  He's always looked like a zombified pirate lion to me. He has some sort of muzzle to him that five shades of adorable.  Questionably however is that rot in the Phillipines will cause skin growths over your eye.  Remember it folks.

5) The Burning

This is the second japanese poster I ever owned.  Not being a huge fan of the film, but a huge fan of shadows jabbing scissors towards your face, it's a win.  I noticed at Cinema Wasteland in October that the US 1-Sheet has an alternate title of "Cropsy" which is exceptionally lame and misleading. The character doesn't crop anything, rather he clips it, if he brandishes scissors that is.  So, I'm going to call him "Clipsy" if there are no further objections.

6) the Satanic Rites of Dracula

Probably the most valuable of the bunch and again, a film that I can't be bothered to watch.  I know, I know it's a Hammer film with Lee in it.  I get it, don't assume I don't (please?) but there's a lot on my list right now and shots of mansions and heaving bossum are low on it.  Well, maybe the mansions are.  But here's a great example of the superior design aesthetic exercised by the Pacific rim artists.  The layout reeks of action, which the film really didn't have, but the sweeping pieces are just grand.  

I'll pop up the US one-sheets tomorrow if I'm feeling saucy.

What happened?

For those of you who have been following the virtual paper trail of web locale, let me answer the following questions I'm asked frequently, and...not so frequently.

Q:Do you still paint?

A: YES!  I still paint, however I'm occupying my time more with drawing lately.

Q: Will you update www.abrushwithdeath.com?

A: Yes.  Actually this blog is a companion piece to that website.  I will be updating it with new artwork once my webmisstress has some time.  I had been considering an artbook, which is why a lot of my stuff hasn't seen the light of day as of late.  So there you go.

Q: Will you update this fucking blog?

A: Yes, for sure.  Actually I'm hoping to update it at least a few times a week with something worthwhile to talk about.  I want it to be part of your regular web habits.

Q: What are you doing these days?

A: Well, I'm currently working very hard on a gallery show and on a comic which is actually going somewhere.  Check back and see the tale of indie-comic woes next blog.

Q: Is that it?

A: Yes, for the time being.  As you were.